Don’t Watch This; Watch That, Week 13: College Football Schedule Guide
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Plus, it’s Division III bowl weekend, while the D-II and D-III playoffs are beginning.
In 1996, the Minnesota Vikings signed a castoff from the Cleveland Browns who had spent the first half of that season bouncing around the Baltimore Ravens and Carolina Panthers: Leroy Hoard.
A Michigan Man, signed to replace the injured Robert Smith, Hoard was a true bowling ball of a running back—not even six feet, he clocked in at 225 pounds and was a goal-line specialist.
He was a maddeningly consistent rusher who snapped up nine touchdowns in 1998 and ten in 1999, early days of the fantasy football goal-line vulture—Hoard reportedly Vikings coach Dennis Green: “Coach, if you need one yard, I’ll get you three yards. If you need five yards, I’ll get you three yards.”
But for SOME REASON, my wife—currently breast-pumping to keep feeding our seven-month-old—doesn’t appreciate when I admire the consistency with which she produces 5-7 ounces (exactly what our daughter will drink, with maybe a little left over) by calling her “the Leroy Hoard of breast milk.”
Some people just can’t take a compliment.
D-III Bowl Season
There are also the ECAC Bowls, which are made-up, silly and I won’t dignify them by talking about them further. See, as well, the Chesapeake Challenge Bowl Series between the Landmark Conference and Old Dominion Athletic Conference, which plays the Cape Charles and Cape Henry bowls (good!)…at campus sites (bad!).
To review, a bowl game—especially a Division-III college football bowl game—should be…
- The Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl. If yours is not that one, proceed to (2).
- Played at a neutral site, preferably a New Deal project or a domed stadium in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.
- Sponsored by a ridiculous and/or beloved company.
If you do not fulfill either (1), OR [(2) AND (3)], please do not apply within.
Fusion Bowl
US Merchant Marine Academy Mariners at Curry College Colonels
Friday, November 21 | 5pm | Northeast Sports Network
And there I go, breaking the rules on D-III bowl game #1. I blame the name, FUSION BOWL, which sounds like an Asian fusion place that is going to serve me some passable poke, which I deem “passable” because I’m a white dude from the suburbs with no conception of what constitutes “good”.
The “Fusion” in question is actually just the Conference of New England (CNE) and the Northeast Women’s and Men’s Athletic Conference (NEWMAC), which have—stay with me—fused for a postseason bowl game. The Colonels, your hosts, fell to hated Endicott in the final game of the year, one which would’ve sent Curry to the D-III playoffs. Alas, they’ll settle for a date with the 7-2 Mariners, who won the Secretaries’ Cup over the Coast Guard, 39-38, behind the play of sophomore quarterback BUBBA MUSTAIN.
That’s how you have to spell his name. That’s the rule.
Opendorse Bowl Series: ForeverLawn Bowl
Ohio Northern Polar Bears vs. Wabash Little Giants
November 22 | 12pm | FloCollege | Tom Benson Hall of Fame Stadium (Canton, OH)
Today I learned that Opendorse is an NIL deal platform. They sponsor a double-header of D-III bowl games at the Hall of Fame Stadium in Canton! That’s exciting and/or niche enough for me!
Wabash lost the Monon Bell decisively to DePauw last weekend, while ONU had its first winning season since 2015. That’s exciting enough for me.
Opendorse Bowl Series: Extra Points Bowl!
Mount St. Joseph Lions vs. Westminster Titans
November 22 | 5pm | FloCollege | Tom Benson Hall of Fame Stadium (Canton, OH)
Oh hey, you wanted it “sponsored by a ridiculous and/or beloved company”? LOOK! It’s Matt Brown’s newsletter, Extra Points!
Matt was once our college sports editor at SBNation. Thankfully, he’s moved on to much bigger and better things, far away from [/gestures around]. He was always patient with us, offered feedback—like “this DWT article is way too long,” which I reflect on as this particular edition hits 1,500 words and I haven’t gotten to the Saturday games—and otherwise left us alone. Simpler times.
Read Matt’s reporting on and amusement/horror at the Big Ten’s completely fucked-up flirtation with private equity money. It’s worth your time.
Smileycookie.com Lakefront Bowl
Aurora Spartans vs. Illinois College Blue Boys
November 22 | 11:05am | JustAGame | Raabe Stadium (Wauwatosa, WI)
The Midwest Conference! The Northern Athletic Conference! One is teams from Illinois and Wisconsin, the other is teams from Illinois, Wisconsin, and Iowa! Why? Shut the fuck up, that’s why!
I have mixed feelings on this bowl. For one, “Lakefront Bowl” is misleading. You are not on the lakefront, Wauwatosa. You are bourgeois pretenders in the suburbs—albeit with a great CCC camp-turned-boulevard in Blue Mound Road. But this game can and should be played on the lakefront of Lake Michigan, if you’re going to claim that.
On the other hand: SMILEYCOOKIE.COM!
Is it 2000 all over again? Was pets.com not available to sponsor this?
smileycookie.com is apparently the online presence of Smiley cookie, supposedly a ubiquitous trademarked in western Pennsylvania. Why are they sponsoring a Division III bowl game in suburban Milwaukee? Mind your own goddamn business, that’s why.
I apologize to anyone from Aurora University—an Adventist college!—who opened this and saw such scurrilous language. But you also already read about me calling my saint of a wife “the Leroy Hoard of breast-pumping,” so I also don’t know what you thought was going to happen here.
Culver’s Isthmus Bowl
Wisconsin-Stout Blue Devils vs. Washington University (St. Louis) Bears
November 22 | 2pm | JustAGame | Bank of Sun Prairie Stadium (Sun Prairie, WI)
The OG.
The bowl, the myth, the legend.
Culver’s.
Stout managed just a 5-5 mark this year, with an upset of ranked UW-Oshkosh and then a fade to the finish, including a 34-2(!!!) loss to UW-Whitewater and close calls against ranked Platteville and River Falls. The Blue Devils bring a three-game losing streak (four of their last five!) to the suburbs of Madison, but they didn’t lose to a single unranked team all year—that’s just a brutal conference and a tough non-conference loss to Wartburg.
Wash U, the only school to wait list me twice—the bastards—comes from the College Conference of Illinois and Wisconsin which, you guessed it, also features schools from Illinois and Wisconsin. I’m sure that’s where Washington University in St. Louis is located. They also only lost to ranked teams—#1 North Central and #20 Wheaton—so who’s to say what we’ll get in Sun Prairie this weekend. I’ll actually be a couple suburbs over; we’ll see if I can convince my buddy it’s worth driving out to get our picture taken with Scoopie or the Curd.
Thursday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Nicholls Colonels at SE Louisiana Lions (-20.5, O/U 49.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks (-36.5, O/U 49.5) at Northwestern State Demons [6:30pm, ESPN+]
whatever nfl slop is on
Watch That
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns at Arkansas State Red Wolves
6:30pm | ESPN | ArkState -2.5 | O/U 54
Just a moment to appreciate that Stephen F. Austin is not only a road favorite at the 1-10 Northwestern State Demons, but that they’re 36-point favorites.
Friday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Watch That
US Merchant Marine Academy Mariners at Curry College Colonels
The FUSION BOWL | 5pm | Northeast Sports Network
Florida State Seminoles at North Carolina State Wolfpack
7pm | ESPN | FSU -4.5 | O/U 61.5
Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors at UNLV Rebels
9:30pm | FS1 | UNLV -3 | O/U 64.5
Somehow, FSU-NC State is a battle for bowl eligibility:
Dear. God.
Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at #1 Ohio State Buckeyes (-31.5, O/U 54.5) [11am, FOX]
#22 Missouri Tigers at #8 Oklahoma Sooners (-7.5, O/U 42.5) [11am, ABC]
#13 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-17.5, O/U 48.5) at Virginia Tech Hokies [11am, ESPN]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at Army Black Knights (-10, O/U 45.5) [11am, CBSSN]
#8 Harvard Crimson (-7.5, O/U 50.5) at Yale Bulldogs [11am, ESPNU]
Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens at Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-17.5, O/U 52.5) [11am, ACCN]
Kansas Jayhawks at Iowa State Cyclones (-4.5, O/U 55.5) [11am, FS1]
#4 Lehigh Mountain Hawks (-12.5, O/U 52.5) at Lafayette Leopards [11:30am, ESPN+] — The Rivalry
Old Dominion Monarchs (-12.5, O/U 62.5) at Georgia Southern Eagles [12pm, ESPN+]
Baylor Bears at Arizona Wildcats (-6.5, O/U 62.5) [12pm, TNT]
Washington State Cougars at James Madison Dukes (-13.5, O/U 42.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
#24 Southern Illinois Salukis at #11 Illinois State Redbirds (-4.5, O/U 59.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
Maine Black Bears at New Hampshire Wildcats (-6.5, O/U 47.5) [12pm, Flo] — The Brice-Cowell Musket
D-II Playoffs
- Bentley Falcons at #1 Kutztown Golden Bears [11am, ESPN+]
- Valdosta State Blazers at #1 Albany State Golden Rams [12pm, ESPN+]
- Northwood Timberwolves at #1 Ferris State Bulldogs [12pm, ESPN+]
- Assumption Greyhounds at IU-Pennsylvania Crimson Hawks [12pm, ESPN+]
- Frostburg State Bobcats at #2 Johnson C. Smith Golden Bulls [12pm, ESPN+]
- California (PA) Vulcans at #3 Virginia Union Panthers [12pm, ESPN+]
- Kentucky State Thorobreds at #3 Newberry Wolves [12pm, ESPN+]
- Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs at #4 Ashland Eagles [12pm, ESPN+]
- Mankato State Mavericks at #2 Findlay Oilers [12pm, ESPN+]
- Northwest Missouri State Bearcats at #1 Harding Bisons [1pm, ESPN+]
- Benedict College Tigers at #4 Wingate Bulldogs [1pm, ESPN+]
- North Greenville Trailblazers at #2 West Florida Argonauts [1pm, ESPN+]
- Truman State Bulldogs at #3 UIndy Greyhounds [1pm, ESPN+]
- Chadron State Eagles at #4 Pittsburg State Gorillas [1pm, ESPN+]
- UT-Permian Basin Falcons at #3 Colorado State-Pueblo THUNDERWOLVES [2pm, ESPN+]
- Western Colorado Mountaineers at #2 Central Washington Wildcats [3pm, ESPN+]
D-III Playoffs (Round 1, Play-In Games)
- Union (NY) Garnet Chargers at Muhlenberg Mules [11am, ESPN+]
- LaGrange Panthers at Framingham State Rams [11am, ESPN+]
- Wash & Jeff Presidents at Susquehanna River Hawks [11am, ESPN+]
- SUNY Cortland Red Dragons at Springfield Pride [11am, ESPN+]
- Grove City Ideologues at Hanover Panthers [12pm, ESPN+]
- Coe Kohawks at Concordia-Wisconsin Falcons [12pm, ESPN+]
- Crown College Polars at Wheaton Thunder [12pm, ESPN+]
- Chapman Nixons at Whitworth Pirates [2pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
Lhvl Crdnls at SMU Cocaineponies
11am | ESPN2 | SMU -2.5 | O/U 53
South Carolina State Bulldogs at Delaware State Hornets
12pm | ESPN+ | SCSt -2.5 | O/U 56.5
I Know You’re Watching This—What A Mistake You’re Making
Minnesota Golden Gophers “at” Northwestern Wildcats
11am | BTN | NU -3.5 | O/U 40.5 | at Wrigley Field
Look at this MASS of interesting football. Good games in the ACC! The de facto MEAC championship game amid a historic season for DeSean Jackson’s Delaware State! D-II and D-III playoffs!
I beg you, do not watch two mediocre teams—or a mediocre Minnesota and pretty-bad Northwestern, if you want—play football at a terrible stadium on terrible grass for terrible people.
…I do realize I’m just selling it that much more for you reprobates. Damnit.
Anyway, in honor of Chickenshit Saturday (seriously, Alabama is hosting fucking Eastern Illinois), let’s just stop and register how goddamn painfully stupid college football bobos are:
I don’t know what point he’s trying to prove, but goddamn, man.
Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This
Balls Tate Robotbirds at Toledo Rockets (-27.5, O/U 47.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Nevada Wolf Pack at Wyoming Cowboys (-6.5, O/U 40.5) [1pm, MWN]
Missouri State Bears at Kennesaw State Owls (-6.5, O/U 57) [1pm, ESPN+]
#22 South Dakota State Jackrabbits at #11 North Dakota Nazi Memorabilia Enthusiasts (-9.5, O/U 48.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Marshall Thundering Herd (-4.5, O/U 54.5) at Appalachian State Moutnaineers [1:30pm, ESPN+]
South Florida Brahman Bulls (-21.5, O/U 69.5) at UAB Blazers [2pm, ESPN+]
UConn Huskies (-7, O/U 65.5) at FAU Owls [2pm, ESPN+]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (+1.5, O/U 44.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
New Mexico State Aggies at UTEP Miners (-3, O/U 45.5) [2pm, ESPN+] — Battle for the Silver Spade
Sam Houston Bearkats at MTSU Blue Raiders (-6.5, O/U 54.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
Syracuse Orange at #9 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-35.5, O/U 50.5) [2:30pm, NBC]
Kentucky Wildcats at #14 Vanderbilt Commodores (-9.5, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Arkansas Razorbacks at #17 Texas Longhorns (-9, O/U 57.5) [2:30pm, ABC]
Duke Blue Devils (-7, O/U 51.5) at North Carolina Tar Heels [2:30pm, ACCN]
Michigan State Spartans at Iowa Hawkeyes (-16.5, O/U 42.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
Southern Miss Golden Iggles (-1.5, O/U 54.5) at South Alabama Jaguars [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Jacksonville State Gamecocks (-1.5, O/U 56.5) at FIU Sunblazers [2:30pm, CBSSN]
#24 Tulane Green Wave (-7.5, O/U 56.5) at Temple Owls [2:45pm, ESPNU]
TCU Horned Frogs at #23 Houston Cougars (-1.5, O/U 55.5) [3pm, FOX]
Kansas State Wildcats at #12 Utah Utes (-17.5, O/U 51.5) [3pm, ESPN2]
#18 Michigan Wolverines (-13.5, O/U 45.5) at Maryland Terrapins [3pm, BTN]
Georgia State Panthers at Troy Trojans (-11.5, O/U 51.5) [3pm, ESPN+]
Oklahoma State Cowboys at UCF Citronauts (-14, O/U 48.5) [3pm, ESPN+]
Idaho State Bengals at Idaho Vandals [3pm, ESPN+] — Battle of the Domes
Sacramento State Hornets at #15 UC Davis Aggies (-4.5, O/U 61.5) [3pm, ESPN+] — Causeway Classic
UL Monroe Warhawks at Texas State Bobcats (-17.5, O/U 57.5) [4pm, ESPN+]
Austin Peay Governors at #5 Tarleton State Texans (-20.5, O/U 60.5) [4pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
#3 Montana State Bobcats at #2 Montana Grizzlies — BRAWL OF THE WILD
1pm | ESPN+ | Montana State -1.5 | O/U 59.5
I was not able to easily ascertain from a web search why 9-2 Montana State is favored at 11-0 Montana in a rivalry game, other than the Bobcats having played a better schedule. If you want to inform me in the comments of an injury I’m missing or why I’m otherwise a dumbass, I’m all ears.
Also: it sucks that this game’s at 1pm on a non-cable platform.
Take a moment, please, to appreciate the Sac State-UC Davis rivalry, the Causeway Classic, and its trophy, a 60-pound core sample of the causeway connecting the two cities:
Saturday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Nebraska Cornhuskers at Penn State Nittany Lions (-8.5, O/U 44.5) [6pm, NBC]
Colorado State Rams at Boise State Broncos (-16.5, O/U 44.5) [6pm, FS1]
New Mexico Lobos (-3.5, O/U 55.5) at Air Force Falcons [6pm, CBSSN]
#20 Tennessee Volunteers (-4.5, O/U 57.5) at Florida Gators [6:30pm, ABC]
#21 Illinois Fighting Illini (-7.5, O/U 40.5) at wisconsin badgers [6:30pm, BTN]
California Golden Bears (-3, O/U 46.5) at Stanford Cardinal [6:30pm, ACCN] — The Game
UNT Mean Green (-18.5, O/U 55.5) at Rice Owls [6:30pm, ESPNU]
#11 BYU Cougars (-2.5, O/U 54.5) at Cincinnati Bearcats [7pm, FOX]
#25 Arizona State Sun Devils (-7, O/U 48.5) at Colorado Buffaloes [7pm, ESPN2]
Watch That
Pittsburgh Panthers at #16 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
6pm | ESPN | GT -2.5 | O/U 62
My point was not to turn this column into one in which I complained about or made fun of my wife, who is, by definition of putting up with me, a saint.
This morning around 6am, when I was already on my commute to work, she texted me saying that she thought a drunk driver had crashed into the slope and metal railing outside the house kitty corner across an intersection from ours. Apparently the driver paused, pulled out of the yard, and drove off, car rattling like it was on death’s door.
I asked if she had called the police.
She had not. She was not sure if she was supposed to.
This is a thing her family does: when something is immediately wrong or could be immediately addressed, they like to have a conversation about it:
“Should we stop for gas now or at the next exit?”
“The exit is 3/4 of a mile away, please make a decision…”
“Well do we have a coupon? Do you need to pee?”
and then I’ve driven by the exit and the next station isn’t for 10 miles and turns out SHE had to pee.
She and her parents deliberate and agonize endlessly over who is bringing fucking cookies to a party or what every single person at the table is going to get at the restaurant. We do not need to discuss this! Just bring the cookies or order the fucking meal!
Going to the Cheesecake Factory is hell on earth.
Anyway: turns out she had already waited 5 minutes, as all the while I’m voice-texting her back. But it’s hard to convey in voice to text just how annoyed I was that I was having to tell her “just call the fucking suburban cops, they’re not doing anything and it’s the right thing to do.”
So she finally did. No one else had called, of course. The cops came and the homeowners were okay, just some damage to lawn and railing. And there my wife was, watching out our window, positively frantic the cops were going to knock on our door at 6:15am and ask why she called them.
It’s late and I’m drunk…
Don’t Watch This
San Jose State Spartans at San Diego State Aztecs (-11.5, O/U 49.5) [9:30pm, FS1]
Washington Huskies (-10.5, O/U 51.5) at UCLA Bruins [9:30pm, NBC]
Watch That
Utah State Aggies at Fresno State Bulldogs
9:30pm | CBSSN | Fresno -3 | O/U 50.5
Big bowl game news:
Cannot WAIT to see what happens to the winning coach in that one.
Just change the name to “Bush’s Baked Beans Boca Bowl” now, and you’ve got yourself a certified platinum winner with the postgame “Bush’s Baked Beans Boca Bowl Bean Bukkake”.
MNW’s Lightly Plagiarized Trivia
This (from former BHGP manager gospelofmax) infuriated me (who got 172/251 on my first pass, then forgot it was open in another window and time expired/spoiled the answers), so I hope it ruins your day, too:
Have a great weekend, everyone.
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