Don’t Watch This; Watch That, Week 14: Your College Football Watch Guide

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Hello? Is anybody there?

Happy Thanksgiving to you, yours, and those you care about. Even the Michigan fans.

This will also serve as your open thread for Thanksgiving Day’s football. Maybe basketball if I don’t have time to put up a thread for that. Who’s to say?

It wasn’t ideal to learn yesterday, after we brought the kids home, that our younger daughter has Hand, Foot, and Mouth. So, if we’re lucky, the older Wildkit and I will go to my parents’ house for a couple hours today, but otherwise…we’re going to be home. All four of us. For the next four days.

Someone might die, and it’s probbably going to be me, because my wife is going to kill me.

Anyway, all the more reason that this college football watch guide—Don’t Watch This; Watch That—is even more needed. We’re just going over the college football games, mind you—I’ll try to pepper in some college basketball later, but I’ve got some green beans to amandine (if that’s even a verb).

All I have for you, otherwise, are the two headlines I’d originally considered for this article. I’d like you to let me know which you’d rather read:

I Am Bringing Green Bean Casserole, Mom, And If Aunt Jane Has A Problem With It, She Can Fuck Off

There Should Be A Good Witch Of The North, And She Should Have Big Jugs

Onto the games.

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

{NFL} Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions [12pm, FOX] — out of principle
{NFL} Kansas City Chiefs at Dallas Cowboys [3:30pm, CBS] — out of common sense
{NFL} Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens [7pm, NBC] — out of commitment to the bit

Watch That

Tuskegee Golden Tigers at Alabama State Hornets
2pm | SWACtv

Navy Midshipmen at Memphis Tigers
6:30pm | ESPN | Memphis -4.5 | O/U 57.5

I’m about to go blanch some green beans, but my favorite part of making green beans amandine is chopping the shallot. I don’t know what it is about using these glorified, fancy-boi onions, but if a recipe calls for one and I get to use it, I feel like Alex fuckin Guanareschi or Bobby Flay or Bob from Bob’s Burgers.

Friday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#13 Utah Utes (-11.5, O/U 60) at Kansas Jayhawks [11am, ESPN]
Ohio Bobcats (-7, O/U 44.5) at Buffalo Bulls [11am, ESPNU]
Kent State Golden Flashes at Northern Illinois Huskies (-5, O/U 45) [11am, CBSSN]

Watch That

#7 Ole Miss Rebels at Mississippi State Bulldogs
11am | ABC | Miss -7 | O/U 62.5 | EGG BOWL

…sigh. Why?

Iowa Hawkeyes at Nebraska Cornhuskers
11am | CBS | Iowa -6 | O/U 38.5

Given just how terrible the MAC slate is on Thanksgiving weekend—no rivalries, just some vaguely competitive games with bowl potential (5-6 Buffalo hosting Ohio, who needs a win to stay in the MAC Championship race) and MAC Championship play-in games (CMU at Toledo)—it’s worth asking: was this the worst season of MACtion we’ve seen in a while?

I don’t know that there was a single game of MACtion this year that I watched and thought, “Well, that is an instant classic.“

I have some possible culprits:

• UMass. The Minutemen folded meekly against Bowling Green on Tuesday, losing 45-14 to Eddie George’s men in a game played at 3:30pm on a Tuesday afternoon. UMass finished 0-12, was uncompetitive in most every game under Joe Haramysiak, and is now the subject of unflattering articles like this Sportico piece questioning whether they should’ve ever joined the MAC in the first place. Games against UMass drag the whole MAC slate down each week—their solution, to my mind, has to be to hire a Jim Mora Jr.-type coach: a P5 cast-off who can build a program and is looking for a redemption arc. Y’know, Matt Rhule in 2-3 years.
• Climate change: did we get a SINGLE snowy evening of MACtion this year? I don’t think so. My my my, how the Rust Belt has become the architect of its own demise.
• NIL and structural changes to college football that have left low-major programs increasingly unviable as revenue streams and state funding dry up: but that’s not the fun answer. Let’s investigate that climate change thing a little more.

Friday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Air Force Falcons (-2.5, O/U 45.5) at Colorado State Rams [2pm, FS1]
Temple Owls at North Texas Mean Green (-19.5, O/U 65.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]

Watch That

#4 Georgia Bulldogs at #23 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
2:30pm | ABC | UGA -14 | O/U 59.5

San Diego State Aztecs at New Mexico Lobos
2:30pm | CBSSN | SDSU -1.5 | O/U 41.5

Boise State Broncos at Utah State Aggies
3pm | CBS | Boise -3 | O/U 55.5

MOUNTAIN WEST CONFERENCE GAME CHATTER:

• San Diego State (6-1)
• Boise State, New Mexico, and UNLV (5-2)

WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN:

• San Diego State: win and you’re in, hosting—lose and you’re going to Boise or New Mexico
• Boise State: win and you’re in, heading to San Diego State
• New Mexico: win + SDSU/BSU/UNLV losses and you’re hosting SDSU; win + SDSU/BSU losses + UNLV win, you host a metric-decided SDSU/UNLV opponent
• THE METRICS: from there, it gets confusing as hell. Read the Mountain West Conference’s scenarios for more.

Conferences are too big.

Also, Colorado State has made its head coaching hire:

I’ll admit: I thought Jim Mora Jr. could’ve done better. But he’s back in the Pac-12, at a program with a flashy new stadium and clear ambitions for competing on a national scale. Stinks for UConn that a wildly successful season is going to end this way, but that’s life outside a major conference. Buy your way into the Big XII or the ACC, you schmucks.

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

#2 Indiana Hoosiers (-28.5, O/U 54.5) at Purdue Boilermakers [6:30pm, NBC]

Watch That

#3 Texas A&M Aggies at #16 Texas Longhorns
6:30pm | ABC | TAMU -2.5 | O/U 51.5

This one pains me. I want Purdue to make it a game. But also, I live in reality: the better game is probably TAMU and Texas playing for the Governor’s Spurs or the Chancellor’s Codpiece or whatever it is Texans fight about.

It’s late and I’m drunk (on Friday)…

Don’t Watch This

{NFL} Chicago Bears at Philadelphia Eagles [2pm, Netflix or some shit] — out of principle, and also the Bears are massive fucking frauds

Watch That

#25 Arizona Wildcats at #20 Arizona State Sun Devils
8pm | FOX | Arizona -1.5 | O/U 48.5 | TERRITORIAL CUP

What is the Internet if not a place for takes like this to absolutely melt the steel beams of civil society?

THANKSGIVING PIES, RANKED:

1. Pecan
2. Pumpkin
3. French silk
4. Sweet potato
5. Lemon meringue
6. Apple
7. Other generic fruit pies (cherry, blueberry, things of that nature)
8. Raisin
9. Aunt Jane’s diarrhea pie
10. Key lime pie

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#5 Texas Tech Red Raiders (-23.5, O/U 53.5) at West Virginia Mountaineers [11am, ESPN]
Kentucky Wildcats at Lhvl Crdnls (-3, O/U 46.5) [11am, ACCN]
Clemson Tigers at South Carolina Gamecocks (-2.5, O/U 46.5) [11am, SECN]
Houston Cougars at Baylor Bears (-2.5, O/U 59.5) [11am, TNT]
Colorado Buffaloes at Kansas State Wildcats (-17.5, O/U 49.5) [11am, FS1]
Iowa State Cyclones (-14, O/U 46.5) at Oklahoma State Cowboys [11am, ESPNU]
East Carolina Pirates (-7, O/U 66.5) at Florida Atlantic Owls [11am, ESPN+]
Toledo Rockets (-10.5, O/U 44.5) at Central Michigan Chippewas [11am, ESPN+]
Balls Tate Robotbirds at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks (-17.5, O/U 41.5) [11am, CBSSN]

Watch That

#12 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes at #22 Pittsburgh Panthers
11am | ABC | M(FL) -7 | O/U 50.5

Out of Principle, I Will Never Tell You To Watch That

#1 Ohio State Buckeyes at #15 Michigan Wolverines
11am | FOX | OSU -10.5 | O/U 43.5

One of the few benefits to not going to spend Thanksgiving at the cabin with the in-laws is that I won’t have to watch The Game with my father-in-law. He spends the whole thing not paying attention—in part because he lacks the attention span, in part because he doesn’t care, and in part because he forgets to turn his hearing aids on—but then periodically tuning in to mutter how much he “fucking hates Ohio State” and “don’t you want to see Michigan win just to stick it to them?”

We—or at least I—forget, being an ever-shrinking blog of college football diehards, that there are people like this in the world. And watching football with them is terrible.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

UCF Citronauts at BYU Cougars (-17.5, O/U 47.5) [12pm, ESPN2]
UTEP Miners at Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens (-4.5, O/U 55.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
FIU Sunblazers (-9.5, O/U 51.5) at Sam Houston Bearkats [12pm, ESPN+]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at Missouri State Bears (-2.5, O/U 48.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Georgia State Panthers at Old Dominion (-27.5, O/U 58.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
MTSU Blue Raiders at NMSU Aggies (-4, O/U 52.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
South Alabama Jaguars at Texas State Bobcats (-9.5, O/U 62.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
UAB Blazers at Tulsa Golden Hurricanes (-8.5, O/U 58.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
#6 Oregon Ducks (-6.5, O/U 51) at Washington Huskies [2:30pm, CBS]
LSU Tigers at #8 Oklahoma Sooners (-10, O/U 36.5) — dear god
Missouri Tigers (-2.5, O/U 55.5) at Arkansas Razorbacks [2:30pm, SECN]
Wake Forest Demon Deacons at Duke Blue Devils (-1.5, O/U 55.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Cincinnati Bearcats at TCU Horned Frogs (-3.5, O/U 57.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
Kennesaw State (-2.5, O/U 55.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Troy Trojans at Southern Miss Golden Iggles (-6.5, O/U 50.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Army Black Knights at UTSA Roadrunners (-7.5, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
James Madison Dukes (-21.5, O/U 53.5) at Coastal Carolina Chanticleers [2:45pm, ESPNU]
Florida State Seminoles at Florida Gators (-1.5, O/U 50.5) [3:30pm, ESPN2]

Bowl Eligibility Elimination Games (5-6 vs. 5-6)

Georgia Southern Eagles at Marshall Thundering Herd
12:30pm | ESPN+ | Marshall -8.5 | O/U 63.5

Arkansas State Red Wolves at Appalachian State Mountaineers
1:30pm | ESPN+ | App State -2.5 | O/U 54.5

Penn State Nittany Lions at Rutgers Scarlet Knights
2:30pm | BTN | PSU -13.5 | O/U 55.5

Watch That

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Jacksonville State Gamecocks
1pm | ESPN+ | WKU -2.5 | O/U 55.5

#14 Vanderbilt Commodores at #19 Tennessee Volunteers
2:30pm | ESPN | Tennessee -2.5 | O/U 65.5

This is a Big Ten football game.

wisconsin badgers at Minnesota Golden Gophers
2:30pm | FS1 | wisc -1.5 | O/U 37.5

I have absolutely no dog in the fight and it’s about as low-stakes as it gets, but it’ll be incredible content if Rutgers beats Penn State as a 14-point underdog to get to the GameAbove Sports Bowl in Detroit.

It’s still a three-team fight in the Conference USA race, with Western Kentucky, Jacksonville State, and Kennesaw State all at 6-1. Jax State beat Kennesaw, while the Owls and Hilltoppers didn’t meet (conferences are too big). Underdog Dynasty’s got the full scenarios here, but broadly, if these teams win…

• Jax + Kennesaw: J-State hosts KSU
• Jax only: J-State hosts KSU, since the Owls have a better common opponent percentage than the Toppers
• WKU + Kennesaw: WKU hosts KSU
• WKU only: WKU hosts J-State

So win and you’re in for any of the three teams, with host left to decide, and one way Kennesaw can back into the title game.

What, you came here expecting takes on Minnesota-wisconsin? Gross.

Go Commodores.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Virginia Tech Hokies at #18 Virginia Cavaliers (-9.5, O/U 52.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Maryland Terrapins at Michigan State Spartans (-3.5, O/U 48.5)
Rice Owls at USF Brahman Bulls (-27.5, O/U 59.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
#10 Alabama Crimson Tide (-6, O/U 46.5) at Auburn Tigers [6:30pm, ABC]
UCLA Bruins at #17 USC Trojans (-21.5, O/U 59.5) [6:30pm, NBC]
Charlotte 49ers at Tulane Green Wave (-29.5, O/U 53) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
North Carolina Tar Heels at NC State Wolfpack (-7.5, O/U 47.5) [6:30pm, ACCN]
#21 SMU Cocaineponies (-13.5, O/U something probably) at Cal Golden Bears [7pm, ESPN2]

Watch That

Oregon State Beavers at Washington State Cougars
5:30pm | The CW | Wazzu -13.5 | O/U 42.5 | Pac-12 Championship Game!

Northwestern Wildcats at Illinois Fighting Illini
6:30pm | FOX | Illinois -7 | O/U 44.5 | HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT

Sounds like the race(?) to be the next Oregon State coach is down to two folks—Montana State coach Brent Vigen or Alabama co-OC JaMarcus Shephard, unless (as this Oregon Live article suggests) newly-fired Cal HC Justin Wilcox throws his hat in the ring.

Since we’re on the topic of coaches and South Florida is playing in this window, though, here’s the rundown of the Alex Golesh debacle:

• Nov. 26, 9:25am: Arkansas radio guy Trey Schaap posts that USF HC Alex Golesh has accepted an offer to be the next Razorbacks head coach
• Nov. 26, 10:57am: Current interim Razorbacks HC Bobby Petrino thanks fans for their support in an “I’m not getting the job” kind of letter.
• Rest of November 26: internet melts down, Razorback fans generally(?) happy, USF fans mad
• November 26, PM: sources come out saying Golesh is “considering” the offer but “hasn’t officially accepted”

Congratulations to approximately the one millionth straight coach not understanding how the SEC works. I’m sure it’ll go fine in Fayetteville, Alex.

It’s late and I’m drunk…

Don’t Watch This

UNLV Rebels (-7.5, O/U 53.5) at Nevada Wolf Pack [8pm, CBSSN]
#9 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-32.5, O/U 49.5) at Stanford Cardinal [9:30pm, ESPN]

Watch That

Fresno State Bulldogs at San Jose State Spartans
9:30pm | FS1 | Fresno -3 | O/U 46.5 | VALLEY TROPHY

Wyoming Cowboys at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors
10pm | MWN (mobile only) | Hawai’i -8 | O/U 44.5 | PANIOLO TROPHY

And we send you out the only way we know how: with a pair of Mountain West trophies!

Unfortunately, things are mostly decided here—neither Wyoming nor San Jose has any shot at a bowl game, and at 4-3 in conference play, both Fresno and Hawai’i are out of the running for the Mountain West championship.

But I haven’t known that to stop Hawai’i from doing silly things at all hours of the night, and you throw out the records when the Valley Trophy and the Paniolo Trophy are on the line.

Enjoy the games, friends. Happy Thanksgiving. Let me know about those headlines.

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