Seedy K’s Preseason Pigskin Palaver: Superlatives, Confutatives, Derogatives and Narratives

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We are now but ten days away from Week 0’s opening kickoffs.

Let’s get the geographical lay of the land, shall we?

But hold on a sec, I need to start with my/ our favorite storyline of the upcoming campaign.

Strange Bedfellows. “Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.” That Willie the Shakes could turn a phrase, could he not? Not sure which one is Felix, which one is Oscar, but the coupling seems a tempest on Tobacco Road. The concept of Bobby Petrino working with Bill Belichick simply brings a grin. We get to see their handy work right out of the gate. Literally. North Carolina vs. TCU from Dublin is the very first kickoff, at noon of Week 0. If the Baby Blues continue their decline, Tar Heel fans might deplete the town’s Guinness supply.  While BP is turning wheelies on the Gobbins Cliff Path.

Alright, now some geography.

Conference Realignments. Should you be looking for the whereabouts of Louisiana Tech and Texas El Paso, know they have abandoned C-USA. The Bulldogs now reside in the Sun Belt; the Miners are taking their talents to the ravaged Mountain West.

The eight members of the reconglomerated Pac-12 are Boise State, Fresno State, San Diego State, Texas State, Washington State, Utah State, Colorado State and Oregon State. League motto: “States ‘r’ Us.”

The once quaintly stable Mid-American is now off the rails. Recent year add ons Buffalo and UMass are not heartland schools. But the latest zinger makes Stanford and Cal to the ACC seem almost rational. But somehow, someway — moolah perhaps — the Hornets of Sacramento State have leapt from the FCS and Big Sky to the MAC. They’ll be visiting chilly Central Michigan to take on conference rival Chippewas on Nov. 11, in a battle the only consequence of which shall be to provide Wednesday night viewing for pigskin obsessives.

Surprise CFP School. Can’t happen twice in a row, can it? Just last season I predicticated that Week 0 participant Kansas State would make the playdowns. They  lost that opener and spent the rest of the season, wishing they were in the Chili Parlor Bar while still in Dublin choking back the shakes. That miscue resonating, I shall be swayed. The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian shall not use a smackdown of Carolina in the Emerald Isle to win the Big 12. That’s the tease; my take on who will be the Dandy Dozen is days away.

Tradition Be Damned. You’d think some traditions would hang on even in these chaotic times. Like, oh, Senior Day on the day of the last home battle of the season. Not for the “graduating” Ohio State Buckeyes. They’ll be honored before the opening game kickoff against Ball State. Guess it will include transfers who haven’t been around long enough to check out the Chipotle burrito bowl and will not have played a down yet for the Buckeyes.

Best Network Announcing Move. Andre Ware will no longer be calling ESPN’s Friday Prime Time games. Huzzah!!!!!!

Best NIL Deal.  Peter Herbstreit. That would be the rising Game Day star, who is also Kirk’s two year old Golden Retriever. Hertz is paying him to be in some adverts.

Best New Scoreboard. Now the biggest in all of collegiate football.. At Gies Stadium, home of the Illinois Fighting Ilini. Billionaire, and $100 mill contributor to the school’s athletic department, Larry Gies is to be thanked. $40 million to Daktronics. 250 feet by 69 feet. Either 16 million or 30 million pixels, depending on who is reporting.

Egregious Uniform Miscue. At least for my nemesis, Badger Billy. His alma mater is playing the Fighting Irish in their opener at Green Bay’s Lambeau Field. A Wisconsinite born and bred, Billy has such the affection for the opponent of his school. He has rather thoughtfully through the years referred to them at “Notre Puke.” Erudite. So, you can imagine his dismay when learning ND will be wearing unis to honor the 1920s Acme Packers.

Biggest Question for the Locals. Is this year Jeff Brohm takes the next step to the CFP? When the Cardinals best Ole Miss and SMU, then don’t trip up against Wake Forest and Syracuse? Tease, Part II: Find out in a couple of days.

Sleeper Squads. Minnesota. UNLV. Florida. Oklahoma State.

Standing Room Only. Northwestern’s new stadium has no seats in the student section.

Geezer Standouts. DL Stephon Wright will be playing his 8th season of college football, this year at Colorado State, after stops at Arizona State, SMU, Texas Southern and UConn. Georgia Southern QB Max Johnson previously toiled for a couple years each at LSU, Texas A&M and North Carolina. He’s been coached by Bill Belichick, Ed Orgeron, Jimbo Fisher and Mack Brown. Noah Kim, a 7th season QB at Eastern Michigan, received his undergrad degree three years ago.

Cutter Boley Watch. The promising former UK QB apparently didn’t want to learn how Will Stein might help his game, and took his talents to Arizona State.*

*I mention him because he’s All Name Team.

Brendan Sorsby Sighting. Was that him spotted strolling into a Philosophy of Fracking class at Texas Tech? Nope, just a doppelganger.

ACC is officiallyKoyaanisqatsi. The league’s moved to nine game conference schedules. Which all members shall play this season, uh, except BC, Clemson, Florida State, Georgia Tech and North Carolina. They play eight. Remember how Duke made it to the title game. We ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Next week, foolishness ceases, predictions commence, college football gets played.

— c d kaplan

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