The SEC In A Sentence: Arch Is Trippin’

NCAAF College Football News, Photos, Stats, Scores, Schedule & Videos...

Welcome to The SEC in a Sentence, in which we attempt to shoehorn all the fun and zaniness of each SEC football team’s week into a single coherent sentence. It’s a tough task, and we considered calling in some professionals or maybe suing to kick some members out just to lighten the load. But we couldn’t do that to you, the avid Dawg Sports reader. So here’s our best stab at encapsulating the Southeastern Conference landscape in sixteen (mostly) short sentences.

Alabama: Dispatched the University of Eastern Carolina at Greenville in tidy fashion, which was about all that could be asked in Keelon Russell’s debut.

Arkansas: “Pulled away late to finally beat North Alabama” is not the way you want to live, unless you’re the protagonist in a Drive-By Truckers song about leaving your deadbeat husband in Muscle Shoals.

Auburn: As anyone who’s ever opened an Auburn acceptance letter after first getting rejections from Alabama and Georgia will confess, pretending to be super-excited about a mediocre outcome like the Tigers’ 17-16 squeaker over Baylor is the quintessential Auburn experience.

Florida: Jon Sumrall is still a solid two weeks away from coaching against an actual college football team, but don’t tell Gator fans until after the lines at the Alachua County tattoo parlors have subsided, it’s funnier that way.

Georgia: Tennessee State absolutely sis not deserve that, but I’m glad they got it anyway.

Kentucky: Will Stein could quietly be one of the better coaching hires of this past offseason, and he’ll get a good chance to prove that this coming Saturday against Kalen DeBoer’s Alabama team.

LSU: I will have further comment on LSU’s week one after I speak with my lawyers and consult the Dawg Sports bylaws in order to determine what remedies are available to me.

Mississippi State: Quickly and efficiently dispatched the UL-Monroe Warhawks, prompting Nick Saban to ask, ““Did anybody see how they did it?!?!?”

Missouri: Tuned up by beating Arkansas-Pine Bluff before turning their attention to Kansas tomorrow night, in an openly hateful matchup of people who are Midwestern nice the other 364 days of the year.

Oklahoma: The Sooners will never, ever have more devoted fans across the country than they will this weekend when they travel to Ann Arbor to take on Michigan in a battle of Land Thieves vs. Time Thieves.

Ole Miss: As Pete Golding probably said after the Rebels’ thrilling 41-38 victory over Louisville, “Ain’t life grand???”

South Carolina: For the 78th year in a row it is my sad duty to advise Gamecock fans that they are just setting themselves up for later disappointment.

Tennessee: Did what Josh Heupel teams do best: put up a ton of points in a meaningless game against a physically over matched opponent in order to get the Hillbillies needlessly excited when they should be reporting for trash pickup on Highway 27.

Texas: Believe me when I tell you this won’t be the last time Arch Manning falls flat on his face this season, nor the last time Texas fans pretend they didn’t notice.

Texas A&M: Beat Missouri State 50-0 and yelped a bunch of gibberish from the stands that no one outside College Station understood, all while the price of oil surged upward, so all in all exactly how the Aggies prefer to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Vanderbilt:Maybe Nate Bargatze can write a movie script in which Jared Curtis and Blaze Berlowitz don’t have to hang on to beat Austin Peay.

As always your submissions are welcome and encouraged in the comments. Until late…

Go ‘Dawgs!!!

More at NCAAF College Football News, Photos, Stats, Scores, Schedule & Videos